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THE BOOK OF SNOBS
THE BOOK OF SNOBS WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY BY ONE OF THEMSELVES
PREFATORY REMARKS
(The necessity of a work on Snobs demonstrated from
History and proved by felicitous illustrations:-- I am
the individual destined to write that work--My vocation
is announced in terms of great eloquence--I show that the
world has been gradually preparing itself for the WORK
and the MAN--Snobs are to be studied like other objects
of Natural Science and are a part of the Beautiful (with
a large B). They pervade all classes--Affecting instance
of Colonel Snobley.)
We have all read a statement (the authenticity of which
I take leave to doubt entirely for upon what
calculations I should like to know is it founded?)--we
have all I say been favoured by perusing a remark that
when the times and necessities of the world call for a
Man that individual is found. Thus at the French
Revolution (which the reader will be pleased to have
introduced so early) when it was requisite to administer
a corrective dose to the nation Robespierre was found; a
most foul and nauseous dose indeed and swallowed eagerly
by the patient greatly to the latter's ultimate
advantage: thus when it became necessary to kick John
Bull out of America Mr. Washington stepped forward and
performed that job to satisfaction: thus when the Earl
of Aldborough was unwell Professor Holloway appeared
with his pills and cured his lordship as per
advertisement &c. &c.. Numberless instances might be
adduced to show that when a nation is in great want the
relief is at hand; just as in the Pantomime (that
microcosm) where when CLOWN wants anything--a warming-
pan a pump-handle a goose or a lady's tippet--a fellow
comes sauntering out from behind the side-scenes with the
very article in question.
Again when men commence an undertaking they always are
prepared to show that the absolute necessities of the
world demanded its completion.--Say it is a railroad: the
directors begin by stating that 'A more intimate
communication between Bathershins and Derrynane Beg is
necessary for the advancement of civilization and
demanded by the multitudinous acclamations of the great
Irish people.' Or suppose it is a newspaper: the
prospectus states that 'At a time when the Church is in
danger threatened from without by savage fanaticism and
miscreant unbelief and undermined from within by
dangerous Jesuitism and suicidal Schism a Want has been
universally felt--a suffering people has looked abroad--
for an Ecclesiastical Champion and Guardian. A body of
Prelates and Gentlemen have therefore stepped forward in
this our hour of danger and determined on establishing
the BEADLE newspaper' &c. &c. One or other of these
points at least is incontrovertible: the public wants a
thing therefore it is supplied with it; or the public is
supplied with a thing therefore it wants it.
I have long gone about with a conviction on my mind that
I had a work to do--a Work if you like with a great W;
a Purpose to fulfil; a chasm to leap into like Curtius
horse and foot; a Great Social Evil to Discover and to
Remedy. That Conviction Has Pursued me for Years. It
has Dogged me in the Busy Street; Seated Itself By Me in
The Lonely Study; Jogged My Elbow as it Lifted the Wine-
cup at The Festive Board; Pursued me through the Maze of
Rotten Row; Followed me in Far Lands. On Brighton's
Shingly Beach or Margate's Sand the Voice Outpiped the
Roaring of the Sea; it Nestles in my Nightcap and It
Whispers 'Wake Slumberer thy Work Is Not Yet Done.'
Last Year By Moonlight in the Colosseum the Little
Sedulous Voice Came To Me and Said 'Smith or Jones'
(The Writer's Name is Neither Here nor There) 'Smith or
Jones my fine fellow this is all very well but you
ought to be at home writing your great work on SNOBS.
When a man has this sort of vocation it is all nonsense
attempting to elude it. He must speak out to the
nations; he must unbusm himself as Jeames would say or
choke and die. 'Mark to yourself' I have often mentally
exclaimed to your humble servant 'the gradual way in
which you have been prepared for and are now led by an
irresistible necessity to enter upon your great labour.
First the World was made: then as a matter of course
Snobs; they existed for years and years and were no more
known than America. But presently--INGENS PATEBAT
TELLUS--the people became darkly aware that there was
such a race. Not above five-and-twenty years since a
name an expressive monosyllable arose to designate that
race. That name has spread over England like railroads
subsequently; Snobs are known and recognized throughout
an Empire on which I am given to understand the Sun never
sets. PUNCH appears at the ripe season to chronicle
their history: and the individual comes forth to write
that history in PUNCH.'
I have (and for this gift I congratulate myself with Deep
and Abiding Thankfulness) an eye for a Snob. If the
Truthful is the Beautiful it is Beautiful to study even
the Snobbish; to track Snobs through history as certain
little dogs in Hampshire hunt out truffles; to sink
shafts in society and come upon rich veins of Snobore.
Snobbishness is like Death in a quotation from Horace
which I hope you never have heard 'beating with equal
foot at poor men's doors and kicking at the gates of
Emperors.' It is a great mistake to judge of Snobs
lightly and think they exist among the lower classes
merely. An immense percentage of Snobs I believe is to
be found in every rank of this mortal life. You must not
judge hastily or vulgarly of Snobs: to do so shows that
you are yourself a Snob. I myself have been taken for
one.
When I was taking the waters at Bagnigge Wells and
living at the 'Imperial Hotel' there there used to sit
opposite me at breakfast for a short time a Snob so
insufferable that I felt I should never get any benefit
of the waters so long as he remained. His name was
Lieutenant-Colonel Snobley of a certain dragoon
regiment. He wore japanned boots and moustaches: he
lisped drawled and left the 'r's' out of his words: he
was always flourishing about and smoothing his lacquered
whiskers with a huge flaming bandanna that filled the
room with an odour of musk so stifling that I determined
to do battle with that Snob and that either he or I
should quit the Inn. I first began harmless
conversations with him; frightening him exceedingly for
he did not know what to do when so attacked and had
never the slightest notion that anybody would take such a
liberty with him as to speak first: then I handed him the
paper: then as he would take no notice of these
advances I used to look him in the face steadily and--
and use my fork in the light of a toothpick. After two
mornings of this practice he could bear it no longer
and fairly quitted the place.
Should the Colonel see this will he remember the Gent
who asked him if he thought Publicoaler was a fine
writer and drove him from the Hotel with a four-pronged
fork?
CHAPTER I
THE SNOB PLAYFULLY DEALT WITH
There are relative and positive Snobs. I mean by
positive such persons as are Snobs everywhere in all
companies from morning till night from youth to the
grave being by Nature endowed with Snobbishness--and
others who are Snobs only in certain circumstances and
relations of life.
For instance: I once knew a man who committed before me
an act as atrocious as that which I have indicated in the
last chapter as performed by me for the purpose of
disgusting Colonel Snobley; viz the using the fork in
the guise of a toothpick. I once I say knew a man who
dining in my company at the 'Europa Coffee-house'
(opposite the Grand Opera and as everybody knows the
only decent place for dining at Naples) ate peas with
the assistance of his knife. He was a person with whose
society I was greatly pleased at first--indeed we had
met in the crater of Mount Vesuvius and were
subsequently robbed and held to ransom by brigands in
Calabria which is nothing to the purpose--a man of great
powers excellent heart and varied information; but I
had never before seen him with a dish of pease and his
conduct in regard to them caused me the deepest pain.
After having seen him thus publicly comport himself but
one course was open to me--to cut his acquaintance. I
commissioned a mutual friend (the Honourable Poly Anthus)
to break the matter to this gentleman as delicately as
possible and to say that painful circumstances--in
nowise affecting Mr. Marrowfat's honour or my esteem for
him--had occurred which obliged me to forego my intimacy
with him; and accordingly we met and gave each other the
cut direct that night at the Duchess of Monte Fiasco's
ball.
Everybody at Naples remarked the separation of the Damon
and Pythias--indeed Marrowfat had saved my life more
than once--but as an English gentleman what was I to
do?
My dear friend was in this instance the Snob RELATIVE.
It is not snobbish of persons of rank of any other nation
to employ their knife in the manner alluded to. I have
seen Monte Fiasco clean his trencher with his knife and
every Principe in company doing likewise. I have seen
at the hospitable board of H.I.H. the Grand Duchess
Stephanie of Baden--(who if these humble lines should
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Unpublished Work 
