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THE BAB BALLADS
THE BAB BALLADS W. S. GILBERT Contents:
Captain Reece
The Rival Curates
Only A Dancing Girl
General John
To A Little Maid--By A Policeman
John And Freddy
Sir Guy The Crusader
Haunted
The Bishop And The 'Busman
The Troubadour
Ferdinando And Elvira; Or The Gentle Pieman
Lorenzo De Lardy
Disillusioned--By An Ex-Enthusiast
Babette's Love
To My Bride--(Whoever She May Be)
The Folly Of Brown--By A General Agent
Sir Macklin
The Yarn Of The "Nancy Bell"
The Bishop Of Rum-Ti-Foo
The Precocious Baby. A Very True Tale
To Phoebe
Baines Carew Gentleman
Thomas Winterbottom Hance
The Reverend Micah Sowls
A Discontented Sugar Broker
The Pantomime "Super" To His Mask
The Force Of Argument
The Ghost The Gallant The Gael And The Goblin
The Phantom Curate. A Fable
The Sensation Captain
Tempora Mutantur
At A Pantomime. By A Bilious One
King Borria Bungalee Boo
The Periwinkle Girl
Thomson Green And Harriet Hale
Bob Polter
The Story Of Prince Agib
Ellen McJones Aberdeen
Peter The Wag
Ben Allah Achmet;--Or The Fatal Tum
The Three Kings Of Chickeraboo
Joe Golightly--Or The First Lord's Daughter
To The Terrestrial Globe. By A Miserable Wretch
Gentle Alice Brown
Captain Reece
Of all the ships upon the blue
No ship contained a better crew
Than that of worthy CAPTAIN REECE
Commanding of The Mantelpiece.
He was adored by all his men
For worthy CAPTAIN REECE R.N.
Did all that lay within him to
Promote the comfort of his crew.
If ever they were dull or sad
Their captain danced to them like mad
Or told to make the time pass by
Droll legends of his infancy.
A feather bed had every man
Warm slippers and hot-water can
Brown windsor from the captain's store
A valet too to every four.
Did they with thirst in summer burn
Lo seltzogenes at every turn
And on all very sultry days
Cream ices handed round on trays.
Then currant wine and ginger pops
Stood handily on all the "tops;"
And also with amusement rife
A "Zoetrope or Wheel of Life."
New volumes came across the sea
From MISTER MUDIE'S libraree;
The Times and Saturday Review
Beguiled the leisure of the crew.
Kind-hearted CAPTAIN REECE R.N.
Was quite devoted to his men;
In point of fact good CAPTAIN REECE
Beatified The Mantelpiece.
One summer eve at half-past ten
He said (addressing all his men):
"Come tell me please what I can do
To please and gratify my crew.
"By any reasonable plan
I'll make you happy if I can;
My own convenience count as nil:
It is my duty and I will."
Then up and answered WILLIAM LEE
(The kindly captain's coxswain he
A nervous shy low-spoken man)
He cleared his throat and thus began:
"You have a daughter CAPTAIN REECE
Ten female cousins and a niece
A Ma if what I'm told is true
Six sisters and an aunt or two.
"Now somehow sir it seems to me
More friendly-like we all should be
If you united of 'em to
Unmarried members of the crew.
"If you'd ameliorate our life
Let each select from them a wife;
And as for nervous me old pal
Give me your own enchanting gal!"
Good CAPTAIN REECE that worthy man
Debated on his coxswain's plan:
"I quite agree" he said "O BILL;
It is my duty and I will.
"My daughter that enchanting gurl
Has just been promised to an Earl
And all my other familee
To peers of various degree.
"But what are dukes and viscounts to
The happiness of all my crew?
The word I gave you I'll fulfil;
It is my duty and I will.
"As you desire it shall befall
I'll settle thousands on you all
And I shall be despite my hoard
The only bachelor on board."
The boatswain of The Mantelpiece
He blushed and spoke to CAPTAIN REECE:
"I beg your honour's leave" he said;
"If you would wish to go and wed
"I have a widowed mother who
Would be the very thing for you--
She long has loved you from afar:
She washes for you CAPTAIN R."
The Captain saw the dame that day--
Addressed her in his playful way--
"And did it want a wedding ring?
It was a tempting ickle sing!
"Well well the chaplain I will seek
We'll all be married this day week
At yonder church upon the hill;
It is my duty and I will!"
The sisters cousins aunts and niece
And widowed Ma of CAPTAIN REECE
Attended there as they were bid;
It was their duty and they did.
The Rival Curates
List while the poet trolls
Of MR. CLAYTON HOOPER
Who had a cure of souls
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper.
He lived on curds and whey
And daily sang their praises
And then he'd go and play
With buttercups and daisies.
Wild croquet HOOPER banned
And all the sports of Mammon
He warred with cribbage and
He exorcised backgammon.
His helmet was a glance
That spoke of holy gladness;
A saintly smile his lance;
His shield a tear of sadness.
His Vicar smiled to see
This armour on him buckled:
With pardonable glee
He blessed himself and chuckled.
"In mildness to abound
My curate's sole design is;
In all the country round
There's none so mild as mine is!"
And HOOPER disinclined
His trumpet to be blowing
Yet didn't think you'd find
A milder curate going.
A friend arrived one day
At Spiffton-extra-Sooper
And in this shameful way
He spoke to Mr. HOOPER:
"You think your famous name
For mildness can't be shaken
That none can blot your fame--
But HOOPER you're mistaken!
"Your mind is not as blank
As that of HOPLEY PORTER
Who holds a curate's rank
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
"HE plays the airy flute
And looks depressed and blighted
Doves round about him 'toot'
And lambkins dance delighted.
"HE labours more than you
At worsted work and frames it;
In old maids' albums too
Sticks seaweed--yes and names it!"
The tempter said his say
Which pierced him like a needle--
He summoned straight away
His sexton and his beadle.
(These men were men who could
Hold liberal opinions:
On Sundays they were good--
On week-days they were minions.)
"To HOPLEY PORTER go
Your fare I will afford you--
Deal him a deadly blow
And blessings shall reward you.
"But stay--I do not like
Undue assassination
And so before you strike
Make this communication:
"I'll give him this one chance--
If he'll more gaily bear him
Play croquet smoke and dance
I willingly will spare him."
They went those minions true
To Assesmilk-cum-Worter
And told their errand to
The REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER.
"What?" said that reverend gent
"Dance through my hours of leisure?
Smoke?--bathe myself with scent?--
Play croquet? Oh with pleasure!
"Wear all my hair in curl?
Stand at my door and wink--so--
At every passing girl?
My brothers I should think so!
"For years I've longed for some
Excuse for this revulsion:
Now that excuse has come--
I do it on compulsion!!!"
He smoked and winked away--
This REVEREND HOPLEY PORTER--
The deuce there was to pay
At Assesmilk-cum-Worter.
And HOOPER holds his ground
In mildness daily growing--
They think him all around
The mildest curate going.
Only A Dancing Girl
Only a dancing girl
With an unromantic style
With borrowed colour and curl
With fixed mechanical smile
With many a hackneyed wile
With ungrammatical lips
And corns that mar her trips.
Hung from the "flies" in air
She acts a palpable lie
She's as little a fairy there
As unpoetical I!
I hear you asking Why--
Why in the world I sing
This tawdry tinselled thing?
No airy fairy she
As she hangs in arsenic green
From a highly impossible tree
In a highly impossible scene
(Herself not over-clean).
For fays don't suffer I'm told
From bunions coughs or cold.
And stately dames that bring
Their daughters there to see
Pronounce the "dancing thing"
No better than she should be
With her skirt at her shameful knee
And her painted tainted phiz:
Ah matron which of us is?
(And in sooth it oft occurs
That while these matrons sigh
Their dresses are lower than hers
And sometimes half as high;
And their hair is hair they buy
And they use their glasses too
In a way she'd blush to do.)
But change her gold and green
For a coarse merino gown
And see her upon the scene
Of her home when coaxing down
Her drunken father's frown
In his squalid cheerless den:
She's a fairy truly then!
General John
The bravest names for fire and flames
And all that mortal durst
Were GENERAL JOHN and PRIVATE JAMES
Of the Sixty-seventy-first.
GENERAL JOHN was a soldier tried
A chief of warlike dons;
A haughty stride and a withering pride
Were MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN'S.
A sneer would play on his martial phiz
Superior birth to show;
"Pish!" was a favourite word of his
And he often said "Ho! ho!"
FULL-PRIVATE JAMES described might be
As a man of a mournful mind;
No characteristic trait had he
Of any distinctive kind.
From the ranks one day cried PRIVATE JAMES
"Oh! MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN
I've doubts of our respective names
My mournful mind upon.
"A glimmering thought occurs to me
(Its source I can't unearth)
But I've a kind of a notion we
Were cruelly changed at birth.
"I've a strange idea that each other's names
We've each of us here got on.
Such things have been" said PRIVATE JAMES.
"They have!" sneered GENERAL JOHN.
"My GENERAL JOHN I swear upon
My oath I think 'tis so--"
"Pish!" proudly sneered his GENERAL JOHN
And he also said "Ho! ho!"
"My GENERAL JOHN! my GENERAL JOHN!
My GENERAL JOHN!" quoth he
"This aristocratical sneer upon
Your face I blush to see!
"No truly great or generous cove
Deserving of them names
Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove
In the mind of a PRIVATE JAMES!"
Said GENERAL JOHN "Upon your claims
No need your breath to waste;
If this is a joke FULL-PRIVATE JAMES
It's a joke of doubtful taste.
"But being a man of doubtless worth
If you feel certain quite
That we were probably changed at birth
I'll venture to say you're right."
So GENERAL JOHN as PRIVATE JAMES
Fell in parade upon;
And PRIVATE JAMES by change of names
Was MAJOR-GENERAL JOHN.
To A Little Maid--By A Policeman
Come with me little maid
Nay shrink not thus afraid--
I'll harm thee not!
Fly not my love from me--
I have a home for thee--
A fairy grot
Where mortal eye
Can rarely pry
There shall thy dwelling be!
List to me while I tell
The pleasures of that cell
Oh little maid!
What though its couch be rude
Homely the only food
Within its shade?
No thought of care
Can enter there
No vulgar swain intrude!
Come with me little maid
Come to the rocky shade
I love to sing;
Live with us maiden rare--
Come for we "want" thee there
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